If you could go back in time and talk to yourself on the day of diagnosis, what would you say? I would say, “Everything is going to be amazing!” And I’d probably give myself a big hug.

The days immediately after my postpartum psychotic episode were very emotional and confusing. It would have been nice to have been told to take a deep breath, step back, and have faith that, in the not too distant future, things would be “normal” again, even better than “normal”. It would have been especially helpful to hear that from someone that had gone through the same thing as me. This is another reason I continue to share my personal story with postpartum psychosis, so that others that might be experiencing it, can see how far I’ve come, how good I’m doing, and know that there really are happy endings, especially for the postpartum psychosis story.

This morning I read this inspirational and timely quote from John H. Johnson, “I believe the greater the handicap, the greater the triumph.” I believe that too.

As I am writing this, I am not even sure how I will be able to complete today’s challenge. I am supposed to choose which social network is my favorite and tell you why it is my favorite.

I love social media.

I love being able to interact with others virtually, to get to know people I’ve never met based on shared interests and ideas, to keep up with my friends and family that are far away, and I really don’t know how to narrow down the field of social networks to just one.

So let’s start by taking a look at the nominees:

1. Facebook – The Avatar of social networks. With over 1 billion active users as of September 2012, you can’t escape it. It sucks you in and as much as you would love to give it up, you can’t. It’s just that good…or you’re just that addicted. Before you know it, Facebook will change something else and it will feel like an entirely new Facebook. That can be a good thing or a bad thing for the top dog.

2. Twitter – The Titanic of social networks. Twitter is #2 right behind Facebook in terms of market share. People have a love hate relationship with Twitter. They either love it or they hate it. Typically the latter is because they don’t truly understand its purpose or how to use it properly. Personally I find Twitter to be an excellent listening and search tool. If you haven’t tried the advanced search functionality on Twitter, you don’t know what you’re missing. Hashtag #awesome.

3. Google+ – The new release. Google+ is working hard to get past the image of being a box office bomb of a social network. A haven for the tech enthusiasts, Google+ is a powerhouse for more in depth conversations. The Hangout option is simple, fun, and integrated with YouTube. The ability to target your messages to the right circle of friends is very helpful. With Google behind it and continuing to add great new features and functionality, Facebook better not sleep.

4. Pinterest – The Notebook of social networks…you know it’s a chick flick, but you just can’t help yourself. With even more visual appeal than Instagram or Flickr, it’s even got the stickyness factor of any Facebook game beat. It actual has the ability to make you like people that you hide on Facebook…now that’s saying something. Less words, more love!

5. LinkedIn – The dark horse. The “professional” network. The critic’s choice that never quite found an audience with the mass market. The more I use LinkedIn, the more I like it. It’s not just for job hunting, it’s a very valuable professional networking tool. Stop letting those business cards you collected collect dust and start connecting. You never know when a connection can become a valuable resource for information you are looking for. Plus LinkedIn InMaps is phenomenal for visualizing your social network!

6. Foursquare – OK, I’ve run out of movie analogies at this point. Let me just say that I enjoy a good game of “Who can check-in on Foursquare the fastest?” when I’m out with my friends. And who doesn’t want to be “mayor” of their favorite hangout? Foursquare allows you to let your friends and the world know where you are and what you are doing. You can also share tips about the place that helps others just passing through.

7. Path – The secret network you probably haven’t heard of. The kicker, you are limited to 150 connections. This limit is based on Dunbar’s number, the suggested number of people with whom we can maintain stable social relationships. This is the place to share the things you can’t say on Facebook. It also lets you share what music you are listening to, where you are, and even when you go to sleep and wake up. Wait a minute, now we are stalking sleep patterns? And instead of just having a like button, you get to choose from several emotions: smiley face, sad face, heart/love, winky face, etc. How fun is that?

And the winner of the 2013 Award for Favorite Social Network goes to….

Twitter

Twitter knows its niche. Twitter keeps it simple. Twitter is exciting. #TwitterRocksMySocksOff

Ask me again next week and I’ll probably have a new favorite. What’s your favorite social network?

Today’s challenge is Wordless Wednesday and the task is to post a favorite picture of myself (since most people have a tough time finding a picture they like of themselves). I went through several picture folders on my computer, but the last several years I’ve spent a lot of time behind the lens instead of in front of it. I guess that’s a new challenge for me…allow more pictures to be taken.

I think one that I really like is actually on my About page and was taken a few years ago by a good friend/coworker as my official office directory photo. I’ve used it on several social media profiles and I think it not only accurately reflects how I look, but also shows me as the happy person I try to be.

As a parent with bipolar disorder, what do you hope you’re doing right? Everything. I constantly worry whether I am doing things the “right” way with my two children. I question everything. But, that has nothing to do with having bipolar disorder, that’s simply being a conscientious parent. You want what is best for your child at all times.

However, I know there are things that I want to be different for my children growing up than what I experienced growing up. I think every generation should try and make incremental improvements over the one before them. And as a parent with bipolar disorder, I know that I will be hypersensitive about my children’s mental health and well-being, in case they have inherited this condition from me. I want to be sure that we always have open lines of communication about anything, health or otherwise. I want to instill a strong sense of self-confidence in both of my children, but especially in my daughter. I want my children to respect others and command their own respect. I know it’s cliche, but I especially want them to be happy, to truly understand what makes them happy, and to take charge of making their own happiness (not depending on others for happiness). These are lessons that I’m still learning at age 36, but I hope I’ve learned enough to give my children a strong headstart in life.

What advice or tips do you have for caregivers out there? Listen and be as supportive as possible. I don’t know where I would be without the support and love of my husband. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. He questions my moods and my actions when needed in order for me to realize that I need to pay more attention to something or make a change for my health.

Love is the best care we can give to anyone.

If postpartum pscyhosis were an animal, what animal would it be? Is it a real animal or make believe? I picked one of each to represent this condition, in order to give you a better idea of what we’re dealing with here. You can also find an informative list of the symptoms of postpartum psychosis (in Plain Mama English) on Postpartum Progress.

If postpartum psychosis were a real animal, it would be a chameleon. Why a chameleon? Because postpartum psychosis can sometimes camouflage itself among your everyday thoughts, so that you almost don’t even notice it is there. Others may notice that your behavior has changed or that you are talking differently, but to you it may seem like it all makes perfect sense. When my mania ramped up to the level of psychosis, it happened extremely fast (within an hour or so), but several of the delusions I had were representative of things I knew. For example, I believed that I was Leeloo from the movie, The Fifth Element, and that I had to save the world. I also believed that I was being followed by government agents, similar to what happened in the movie, The Matrix. I enjoy a good sci fi movie and my deteriorating mental processes were reflecting that aspect of my personality. To me, it seemed very plausible, because I could no longer tell the differece between reality and fiction. These two worlds had blended together, just like a chameleon and its surroundings.

If postpartum psychosis were a make believe animal, it would be a Jabberwock. Why the Jabberworck? Because postpartum psychosis is nonsensical and puzzling, just like Lewis Carroll’s famous poem, Jabberwocky. And just like in the poem, you can feel as though you are travelling in an inverted world. Up is down, wrong is right, fast is slow, good is bad. At one point during my postpartum psychotic episode, I felt I was in a game of cat and mouse with my husband. I thought I was God and he was the devil. I couldn’t answer his questions truthfully, especially about where I was, or the world would end. When the sky got dark and the traffic snarled to a stop, it meant I had answered him correctly. When the sky brightened and the road opened up, it meant that I had made a mistake. At the time, this “game” seemed perfectly logical. But to my husband, it was nonsense and only increased his urgency to find me, before something bad happened to me. I was extremely lucky that four strangers stopped to help me that day.

Today’s writing challenge asks: What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve heard about postpartum psychosis? Well, nothing much surprises me anymore, but it certainly doesn’t make some of it any less painful. I feel for each and every woman and family that experiences postpartum psychosis. And even though infanticide and suicide are rare with this illness (4-5 % of cases), those are the stories that get told and retold, again and again. Those headlines are far too easy to sensationalize. But, those are not the first stories I want a woman or a family who feels a loved one is experiencing this illness to see. I want them to see women who have received the help they needed, who have recovered, and who are living happy and healthy lives with their loved ones. One great resource for finding positive stories is Postpartum Progress.

During the summer of 2011, I was interviewed by Tom Jackman for the State of NoVa blog on the Washington Post website. One of the comments (which was quickly deleted) said something to the effect of me being a “whackjob”. I had to talk a close friend down from responding to it when she saw it and explain to her that there are always going to be internet trolls out there and that they need to be ignored, not fed (which is what responding would do). I’m happy to say those types of comments are in the minority and most of the direct feedback I have received for blogging and speaking out about my postpartum psychosis experience has been overwhelmingly positive. But all it takes is one negative comment like the one mentioned to make me want to hide away, to keep quiet, to stop sharing my story. But, I can’t let that happen. I have to push forward and keep sharing, so that I might reach even more women and convey to them that they will get through this. There really can be a happy ending!

Dear Bipolar Disorder,

Right now, I feel as though I don’t know you at all. But, from what they tell me, you’ve been with me all along. Hearing your name four years ago made me scared, so I blocked you out, and didn’t let you in. I was dealing with too much at the time, having just suffered from postpartum psychosis, with a husband, an infant, and a toddler at home who needed me to be “there”. So I heard the diagnosis, but I didn’t digest it. I went through the counseling, I took the medication, and after a few months, life came close to being “normal” again. At least I pretended it was normal again. It took far longer for me to understand and let go of the terrifying experience I had been through. When I was finally able to open up and share that experience with others, I felt free. Free from the fear, free from the embarrassment, free from the guilt, and free from the anger. Something changed in me and it was an amazing thing. I realized how much I wanted to help others, especially women who might be experiencing something similar to what I had experienced.

And so I pushed you out of my mind. I focused on recovering from the traumatic experience, but not on understanding the underlying disorder. Now that I finally feel better about my mental health, I’ve decided to focus my attention on my physical health and I am eating better, exercising more, and even joined Weight Watchers to reach my goal weight by the end of the year. With things going so well, part of me feels like I shouldn’t rock the boat. But, I need to do something I should have done four years ago. I need to understand who you are and what you mean to me. So this year, I am making it my goal to learn more about you, to understand how you have affected my life, and how to handle you, should you every try and rear your ugly head again.

You are a part of me, but you don’t define me as a person. I’ll take the time to get to know you, but you better realize who I am. I am a survivor. I am determined. I am creative. I am happy. And I am not going to let you change that about me.

This is the most honest I have ever been with myself about you. It feels like the right time to face you head on. You better watch out!

Today is the day to think big! If I could do anything as a Health Activist, I would definitely put an end to stigma around mental health. I would especially like to help end stigma around issues that affect women, such as postpartum mood disorders, anxiety/depression, and postpartum psychosis. The reason that I feel this is so important is that I think stigma prevents people who need help from getting it. It also keeps people from talking about their mental health with others, which can be extremely helpful for overall well-being, and educating people about these conditions.

I feel as though new mothers are a particularly vulnerable group when it comes to mental health and stigma. There is a lot of societal pressure to be the perfect mother and conflicting advice coming at you from every direction: you must breastfeed or you’re a failure, formula worked best for my kids, you have to make your own baby food, don’t buy that brand of stroller, this works best for colic, and on and on and on. Oh and you just happen to be operating on two hours of sleep, if you’re lucky! Then you add in the hormonal roller coaster and you begin to question yourself, “Is this just the baby blues or is there something else going on?” And then you go a step further and ask, “What if something else is going on and I tell someone, they think I’m crazy, and then they take my baby away from me?” That’s some really scary shit right there. Wouldn’t it be better if you had women you knew sharing with you honestly some of their own personal thoughts and emotions as new mothers, even if it wasn’t “perfect”, even if it was “scary”, like “One night while burping him with a burp cloth I wondered what would happen if I smothered him with it“, a very real story shared by Katherine Stone, founder of Postpartum Progress, in Newsweek. I’m very thankful that there WAS a Postpartum Progress website after I suffered from postpartum psychosis, a place where I could identify with other women’s stories, and learn about my illness. I’m extemely proud of the fact that I shared my own story as a guest bloggerand provided input into the symptoms of postpartum psychosis (in Plain Mama English). Since that time I’ve seen even more posts about postpartum psychosis, a very good thing indeed. Every story is a step in the right direction. It means another woman will learn that she is not alone and it could even convince her to reach out for help if she needs it.

Now that I’ve become more comfortable with sharing my story, even through public speaking, I want to take it a step further. I want to reach out to organizations that can truly make a difference against stigma, like Postpartum Support International, Mental Health America, and Action Postpartum Psychosis, to see how else I can help educate and support women on the topic of mental health. That is my next big health activist goal. What’s yours?

Today’s goal is to provide a “care page”, a list of the best resources I can find for moms that have been recently diagnosed with postpartum psychosis. These resources should also support successful self-advocacy. I am providing you with my top ten list of the best postpartum psychosis resources:

1. Teresa Twomey’s book, entitled, “Understanding Postpartum Psychosis: A Temporary Madness”

2. Similar stories shared on Postpartum Progress:

• Naked on the Side of the Road: One Mother’s Story of Postpartum Psychosis (my own personal story)
• What Goes on in the Mind During Postpartum Psychosis?
• Using Postpartum Psychosis for Shock Value Hurts Moms

3. Postpartum Support International

4. Melanie’s Battle: The Hidden Plague of Postpartum Psychosis and Depression

5. Postpartum Psychosis Forum on Facebook (secret group that requires you request access to the group from an administrator)

6. What do you want to know about Postpartum Psychosis? (Postpartum Progress)

7. Postpartum Psychosis – Shedding light on the demon

8. My Postpartum Voice

9. Postpartum Psychosis Twitter Chats Now Weekly (Postpartum Progress) Information about Twitter chat held by Action Postpartum Psychosis.

10. #ppd chat on Twitter Chat is every Monday at 1:00 PM and 8:30 PM ET

Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge (#HAWMC) prompt for today: post a picture that symbolizes your condition and experiences. I’m cheating (a little). I found a picture that really resonated with me about my experience with postpartum psychosis, but it came with a song, so I’m sharing that as well.

Turtle Mother Song – © Helena Nelson-Reed

“A turtle mother, this big heart of mine is enduring, this heart is wise, this heart is strong, this heart is a drum. This old heart sounds a tattoo in harmony with the ancient heart of Earth herself. My ear close to the ground, I listen to our two hearts beating in tandem, and fulfill my purpose within the great hope of season, tide, sun, moon and stars. I live in a quiet manner, live in a sacred manner, live in a dignified manner.”

~ Helena Nelson-Reed (learn more about the artist and author on her website)

What do you see?